Cellardoor

I think too much. Not only do I think too much, but I scare myself too much as well. I am such a disturbed human being, and nobody sees it but me. Everything seems so surreal as of late. I feel like something huge is going to happen. I can't tell if it's bad or good... but something's definitely about to happen.

I am starting to think about death more and more often. I don't see where my life is going. I don't know who I am. I want George to love me. But I am so afraid of him seeing the real Erika. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fake around him by any means. But I am definitely masking numerous things, thoughts, etc. We make such an amazing, powerful couple. I see so much in him, and I don't want it to end. I hope he feels the same way.

Ugh. Fuck my mother fucking life. It's not so much that I want to die. It's more like I just want to be happy. But happiness seems so far away right now. I just hope it's worth waiting for.

This sad fucking blog is all I have to pour my heart and soul out to, which is pretty pathetic if you ask me. I want to do something great. I want to feel proud of the life I'm living, which to say the least hasn't been the case as of late... in case one couldn't tell from my previous blog entries. I hate my life. I hate feeling this gloomy cloud of self-loathing and apathy hanging over my head. Most of all... I hate myself. I really do. I am not pretty. Honestly, I'm a fake beauty. I first appear as beautiful... but I feel like as time progresses people start to realize how physically ugly I really am. That's been a huge problem with me lately... opening up to people due to the fact that I am constantly afraid of being judged. One may ask, "But Erika, why do you care about what other people think of you?" BECAUSE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL APPEARANCE MEAN EVERYTHING IN MODERN DAY SOCIETY!!!
I don't want people to get to know the real Erika. The dark, brooding, incessantly negative Erika. The Erika that everyone hates. I'd honestly say that I am generally well-liked. I don't think that anyone really dislikes or hates me. But I know...I fucking KNOW that if people knew what was really suffocating me... they'd all leave me behind. I would have no one.

Sometimes I feel that suffering makes me stronger. But no. That's a crock of shit. I'm so emotionally weak right now, I can't even grasp what true, emotional happiness once felt like. I just want a humongous pile of cocaine right now. Honestly, that would solve my fucking unhappy self right now.
Only temporarily though.
Because like Lil' Wayne said...
once the drugs are done, I feel like dying.

I need to stop being so depressed all the damn time. But of course I cannot. Life is just so depressing at times. I feel that I am constantly overwhelmed with sadness.

I know I could have done great things. I sometimes feel like it's too late to fix what I've done. It's too late to go back to school, it's too late to get a great job. I have no reliable means of transportation any longer. I have turned into a fucking insomniac. No matter how hard I try to sleep I can't. No matter how exhausted, how weak my body feels. I still remain awake and miserable.
I want to be a happy, healthy, and productive member of society. But I wonder... what the fuck is the point? Why should I be happy, healthy, and productive? It would mean nothing to society. I mean nothing to society. When thought about in terms of the earth's longevity, it makes sense. The average human life amounts to about 75 years. In comparison to the billions of years the earth has been here... 75 years is NOTHING.

I feel like a loser. I could have done so much. I should never have dropped out of high school. Almost everyday I look at my former classmates' facebook profiles. They're all in college, happy, living life the way it's supposed to be lived. They're all actually doing something with their fucking lives. Unlike me. UGH. Fuck me, fuck my life. I have ruined myself. I blame no one but myself, truly. I'm sure that if certain tragic events hadn't happened perhaps things might have changed for me. But I don't think I'll ever know for sure. I've lived such a disturbing, chaotic, fascinating life, and honestly wouldn't trade my experiences for anything. I just wish that I'd done the right thing.

I feel like my mom has given up on me. I feel terrible talking about my mom. My chest truly gets heavy and I feel so sad when I think of her. The one time in her life when she's finally happy, I have to be a miserable bitch. I miss my mom. I miss her so much. I think that I miss her simply talking to me. I feel almost as though she abandoned me. I feel like she doesn't trust me, and feels like she can't talk to me about things anymore. I want her to. I miss feeling that special bond with her. I truly hate to say it, but I am afraid that bond is fading away. She has too much to think about. I don't want her dealing with my problems. I just wish she'd call more often. That's it.

And my dad... wow. He's been so supportive of me. Both he and Melissa have, which is surprising. I do love my dad, truly. I'm so proud of him, regardless of what anyone says. He's doing so much better and is helping me with transportation, money, food. He loves my friends and boyfriend, which is wonderful. That's one of the good things in my life right now. My dad. Which to be completely honest is the first time I think I'm able to say that in.... fuck I can't even remember the last time I even remotely thought such things about him. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him.

*sigh* And... of course I'm going to have to bring up the boyfriend. George. He is the epitome of Mr. Wonderful. He treats me like a princess. He is funny, kind, fascinating, smart, sexy. Everything I could ever dream of in a man. I wish I could show my love and appreciation toward him in a better, more expressive way. I don't have much to give as of now. And I don't want him to think that I'm taking advantage of him, because I'm not. I enjoy his company more than anything in the world as of late. However, I know you feel the infamous 'but' coming on... But... I am so afraid of getting my heart broken. Seriously afraid. I don't want to. I just know that everytime something wonderful comes my way... it all goes to shit. Something bad always happens to me. Life easily deceives me, and I have a tendency to prepare myself for the worst, instead of thinking the best of things. This is a flaw of mine. I just want everything to work out between us. I am so emotionally flawed, and I am so afraid of him seeing this. I don't want him to think less of me. Or that I'm just... completely fucked in the head. Because I'm not.

I just want to be happy. That's my main goal: happiness. It's been my main goal, my number one wish, and my dream for so long now. Hopefully it will hurry up and find me soon.

I feel as though my life has become so meaningless. I have become what I told myself I would never be. I had such high hopes for myself. I feel like giving up on life. I sometimes feel as though the only thing I have to live for is hope. Hope that I'll become something more, hope that I'll actually do something with my pathetic life.

I have trouble saying no. I have trouble putting my foot down. I have trouble opening up to people. Especially as of late. I feel like my social abilities are diminishing. I feel much more shy lately. I feel more depressed.

I get pissed off because no matter how well a person thinks that they know me... truth be told they don't. They probably never will. I presume that this is a good thing seeing as how I'm such an unfortunate person to meet.

Honestly, sometimes I cannot imagine being alive in the future. I don't want to keep living this way. I don't want to keep feeling this shitty about myself. I don't want to regret. I have so many regrets already. Sometimes I think that dying would be better than seeing what I'm going to become. I feel like it's too late for me to be something great. I'm almost twenty-years-old. I haven't done shit with my life since high school.

Whatever. Fuck life. I have the flu and am going to sleep.

Why would my dad even bother to call me? Seriously. He is not a dumb man, when sober, and knows me damn well enough to know that I will never answer his calls, nor will I ever speak with him again. My guess is that he is currently shitfaced, and is extremely lonely.

Good.
I hope he fucking rots.

Wow, I'm such an angry person. Oh well. I have every damn right to be.
I hope one day to achieve true untainted happiness. Happiness that lasts. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm hoping that now that school has started back up, and that I work full time I will think less about my incessant sadness.
Do you know the feeling, where you're sad... but when you think of the reasons why, you feel oh so small? Or you feel selfish? Or dumb for even being sad about something like that? Well, that's how I feel. I feel stupid for being sad. I feel stupid for telling my mom everything. I feel stupid at work. At school. I feel like people can see right through me. I feel as though right when people look at me they think, "oh, that's that girl that was addicted to coke and got an STD." "That's the girl that was molested by her father." "That's the poor girl." "That's the girl that needs to be prescribed amphetamines in order to lose weight."
Everyone sees me, except me. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I cannot cry, laugh genuinely, be HAPPY. I am so miserable, I sometimes think I am just one day going to lose it, go mad.
I haven't cried about what happened with my father. I can't cry when James and I fight anymore. I can't cry when my mother hurts my feelings. I can't cry during movies. I'm so numb. But I'm so emotional at the same time and I want to cry more than anything. But I can't. I'm a fucking vegetable. I fake my laughs. I am a robot. I do as I am told. I goto school, work, piss, fuck, sleep. I do as I am told.

She walked by the ocean,
And waited for a star,
To carry her away.

Feelin' so small,
At the bottom of the world,
Lookin' up to God.

She tries to take deep breaths,
To smell the salty sea,
As it moves over her feet.

The water pulls so strong,
And no-one is around,
And the moon is looking down.

Sayin',Rosie - come with me,
Close your eyes - and dream.

The big ships are rollin',
And lightin' up the night,
And she calls out,
but they just pass her by.

The waves are crashin',
But not making a sound,
Just mouthing along.

Sayin', Rosie - come with me,
Close your eyes and dream,
Close your eyes and dream,
Close your eyes and dream.

My body is sick and my dad hasn't paid health insurance in God only knows how long.

My boyfriend is anxious because we haven't had sex in God knows how long.

My mother hates me at the moment.

My sister dislikes me at the moment.



See, I have been bleeding incessantly for a month and a half now. I had a birth control implant injected in my arm in October of 07, and am not supposed to have a cycle for three years. Well, lo and behold, guess what I've had for over a month now? A fucking period. Yes. A period.

Now, since I have had serious feminine medical issues in the past (which have gotten better over time) I tend to question whether or not I will ever be able to have children. I am so maternal that if this were to be true, I would: a) not feel like a woman. b) feel like a failure to James. c) hate myself. d) wonder what I did in my past Karmatic Cycle to deserve this punishment.

I would partially blame it on my mother. Yes, my mother. I feel like everytime I tell her, "mom there's something wrong with me; mom I've been bleeding for almost 2 months straight; mom I really need to see a doctor," She always says, "I can't afford it; I'm sick of hearing about female problems, Nikki had the same thing, deal with it; I'm sorry sweety."

FUCKING GOD. Why can't she just listen to me, and take me to a Goddamned doctor? My dad is supposed to pay for all medical bills for his children anyways, so why is my mom concerning herself over the money issue of it?

My mom has also been treating me like shit lately. Why? Because like she said today, "I'd trade places with you anyday." Fine mom, you can be molested by your father, and deal with the pain. You can feel like the most unwanted soul on the planet. You can have the blood coming out of my vagina. You can have a boyfriend that treats you like shit the majority of the time. You can also work full-time and goto school part-time, every single day. Go ahead.

What the fuck are my mom's issues? Oh, boohoo my dad hasn't paid child support in three months. (Good thing you fucking have CDs with a shitload of divorce settlement money on them that open in 10 days) Cry, cry, you are taking care of two small children, without a father? (It was your fucking choice to have them with a horrible man. You face the consequences.) Wah-wah, you have a puppy that wakes you up in the middle of the night and you claim to only get 5 hours of sleep because of it. (Wow, well you took the puppy as a gift, once again consequences...)

Did I CHOOSE to live with my father? No. I had no other choice.

Did I CHOOSE to witness my father trying to kill himself with cocaine? No. I had no other choice.

Did I CHOOSE to stay awake that night, for pure entertainment? No. I had no other choice.

Did I CHOOSE my father? No. That was my mom's choice.



And you see, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Erika is always right. I always win.

xxx