Only Once the Drugs are Done, That I Feel Like Dying.
1:16 AM Posted In suffering , the real me Edit This 0 Comments »
This sad fucking blog is all I have to pour my heart and soul out to, which is pretty pathetic if you ask me. I want to do something great. I want to feel proud of the life I'm living, which to say the least hasn't been the case as of late... in case one couldn't tell from my previous blog entries. I hate my life. I hate feeling this gloomy cloud of self-loathing and apathy hanging over my head. Most of all... I hate myself. I really do. I am not pretty. Honestly, I'm a fake beauty. I first appear as beautiful... but I feel like as time progresses people start to realize how physically ugly I really am. That's been a huge problem with me lately... opening up to people due to the fact that I am constantly afraid of being judged. One may ask, "But Erika, why do you care about what other people think of you?" BECAUSE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL APPEARANCE MEAN EVERYTHING IN MODERN DAY SOCIETY!!!
I don't want people to get to know the real Erika. The dark, brooding, incessantly negative Erika. The Erika that everyone hates. I'd honestly say that I am generally well-liked. I don't think that anyone really dislikes or hates me. But I know...I fucking KNOW that if people knew what was really suffocating me... they'd all leave me behind. I would have no one.
Sometimes I feel that suffering makes me stronger. But no. That's a crock of shit. I'm so emotionally weak right now, I can't even grasp what true, emotional happiness once felt like. I just want a humongous pile of cocaine right now. Honestly, that would solve my fucking unhappy self right now.
Only temporarily though.
Because like Lil' Wayne said...
once the drugs are done, I feel like dying.
I don't want people to get to know the real Erika. The dark, brooding, incessantly negative Erika. The Erika that everyone hates. I'd honestly say that I am generally well-liked. I don't think that anyone really dislikes or hates me. But I know...I fucking KNOW that if people knew what was really suffocating me... they'd all leave me behind. I would have no one.
Sometimes I feel that suffering makes me stronger. But no. That's a crock of shit. I'm so emotionally weak right now, I can't even grasp what true, emotional happiness once felt like. I just want a humongous pile of cocaine right now. Honestly, that would solve my fucking unhappy self right now.
Only temporarily though.
Because like Lil' Wayne said...
once the drugs are done, I feel like dying.
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