Cellardoor

I feel as though my life has become so meaningless. I have become what I told myself I would never be. I had such high hopes for myself. I feel like giving up on life. I sometimes feel as though the only thing I have to live for is hope. Hope that I'll become something more, hope that I'll actually do something with my pathetic life.

I have trouble saying no. I have trouble putting my foot down. I have trouble opening up to people. Especially as of late. I feel like my social abilities are diminishing. I feel much more shy lately. I feel more depressed.

I get pissed off because no matter how well a person thinks that they know me... truth be told they don't. They probably never will. I presume that this is a good thing seeing as how I'm such an unfortunate person to meet.

Honestly, sometimes I cannot imagine being alive in the future. I don't want to keep living this way. I don't want to keep feeling this shitty about myself. I don't want to regret. I have so many regrets already. Sometimes I think that dying would be better than seeing what I'm going to become. I feel like it's too late for me to be something great. I'm almost twenty-years-old. I haven't done shit with my life since high school.

Whatever. Fuck life. I have the flu and am going to sleep.

She walked by the ocean,
And waited for a star,
To carry her away.

Feelin' so small,
At the bottom of the world,
Lookin' up to God.

She tries to take deep breaths,
To smell the salty sea,
As it moves over her feet.

The water pulls so strong,
And no-one is around,
And the moon is looking down.

Sayin',Rosie - come with me,
Close your eyes - and dream.

The big ships are rollin',
And lightin' up the night,
And she calls out,
but they just pass her by.

The waves are crashin',
But not making a sound,
Just mouthing along.

Sayin', Rosie - come with me,
Close your eyes and dream,
Close your eyes and dream,
Close your eyes and dream.

My body is sick and my dad hasn't paid health insurance in God only knows how long.

My boyfriend is anxious because we haven't had sex in God knows how long.

My mother hates me at the moment.

My sister dislikes me at the moment.



See, I have been bleeding incessantly for a month and a half now. I had a birth control implant injected in my arm in October of 07, and am not supposed to have a cycle for three years. Well, lo and behold, guess what I've had for over a month now? A fucking period. Yes. A period.

Now, since I have had serious feminine medical issues in the past (which have gotten better over time) I tend to question whether or not I will ever be able to have children. I am so maternal that if this were to be true, I would: a) not feel like a woman. b) feel like a failure to James. c) hate myself. d) wonder what I did in my past Karmatic Cycle to deserve this punishment.

I would partially blame it on my mother. Yes, my mother. I feel like everytime I tell her, "mom there's something wrong with me; mom I've been bleeding for almost 2 months straight; mom I really need to see a doctor," She always says, "I can't afford it; I'm sick of hearing about female problems, Nikki had the same thing, deal with it; I'm sorry sweety."

FUCKING GOD. Why can't she just listen to me, and take me to a Goddamned doctor? My dad is supposed to pay for all medical bills for his children anyways, so why is my mom concerning herself over the money issue of it?

My mom has also been treating me like shit lately. Why? Because like she said today, "I'd trade places with you anyday." Fine mom, you can be molested by your father, and deal with the pain. You can feel like the most unwanted soul on the planet. You can have the blood coming out of my vagina. You can have a boyfriend that treats you like shit the majority of the time. You can also work full-time and goto school part-time, every single day. Go ahead.

What the fuck are my mom's issues? Oh, boohoo my dad hasn't paid child support in three months. (Good thing you fucking have CDs with a shitload of divorce settlement money on them that open in 10 days) Cry, cry, you are taking care of two small children, without a father? (It was your fucking choice to have them with a horrible man. You face the consequences.) Wah-wah, you have a puppy that wakes you up in the middle of the night and you claim to only get 5 hours of sleep because of it. (Wow, well you took the puppy as a gift, once again consequences...)

Did I CHOOSE to live with my father? No. I had no other choice.

Did I CHOOSE to witness my father trying to kill himself with cocaine? No. I had no other choice.

Did I CHOOSE to stay awake that night, for pure entertainment? No. I had no other choice.

Did I CHOOSE my father? No. That was my mom's choice.



And you see, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Erika is always right. I always win.

xxx