Cellardoor

I think too much. Not only do I think too much, but I scare myself too much as well. I am such a disturbed human being, and nobody sees it but me. Everything seems so surreal as of late. I feel like something huge is going to happen. I can't tell if it's bad or good... but something's definitely about to happen.

I am starting to think about death more and more often. I don't see where my life is going. I don't know who I am. I want George to love me. But I am so afraid of him seeing the real Erika. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fake around him by any means. But I am definitely masking numerous things, thoughts, etc. We make such an amazing, powerful couple. I see so much in him, and I don't want it to end. I hope he feels the same way.

Ugh. Fuck my mother fucking life. It's not so much that I want to die. It's more like I just want to be happy. But happiness seems so far away right now. I just hope it's worth waiting for.

This sad fucking blog is all I have to pour my heart and soul out to, which is pretty pathetic if you ask me. I want to do something great. I want to feel proud of the life I'm living, which to say the least hasn't been the case as of late... in case one couldn't tell from my previous blog entries. I hate my life. I hate feeling this gloomy cloud of self-loathing and apathy hanging over my head. Most of all... I hate myself. I really do. I am not pretty. Honestly, I'm a fake beauty. I first appear as beautiful... but I feel like as time progresses people start to realize how physically ugly I really am. That's been a huge problem with me lately... opening up to people due to the fact that I am constantly afraid of being judged. One may ask, "But Erika, why do you care about what other people think of you?" BECAUSE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL APPEARANCE MEAN EVERYTHING IN MODERN DAY SOCIETY!!!
I don't want people to get to know the real Erika. The dark, brooding, incessantly negative Erika. The Erika that everyone hates. I'd honestly say that I am generally well-liked. I don't think that anyone really dislikes or hates me. But I know...I fucking KNOW that if people knew what was really suffocating me... they'd all leave me behind. I would have no one.

Sometimes I feel that suffering makes me stronger. But no. That's a crock of shit. I'm so emotionally weak right now, I can't even grasp what true, emotional happiness once felt like. I just want a humongous pile of cocaine right now. Honestly, that would solve my fucking unhappy self right now.
Only temporarily though.
Because like Lil' Wayne said...
once the drugs are done, I feel like dying.

I need to stop being so depressed all the damn time. But of course I cannot. Life is just so depressing at times. I feel that I am constantly overwhelmed with sadness.

I know I could have done great things. I sometimes feel like it's too late to fix what I've done. It's too late to go back to school, it's too late to get a great job. I have no reliable means of transportation any longer. I have turned into a fucking insomniac. No matter how hard I try to sleep I can't. No matter how exhausted, how weak my body feels. I still remain awake and miserable.
I want to be a happy, healthy, and productive member of society. But I wonder... what the fuck is the point? Why should I be happy, healthy, and productive? It would mean nothing to society. I mean nothing to society. When thought about in terms of the earth's longevity, it makes sense. The average human life amounts to about 75 years. In comparison to the billions of years the earth has been here... 75 years is NOTHING.

I feel like a loser. I could have done so much. I should never have dropped out of high school. Almost everyday I look at my former classmates' facebook profiles. They're all in college, happy, living life the way it's supposed to be lived. They're all actually doing something with their fucking lives. Unlike me. UGH. Fuck me, fuck my life. I have ruined myself. I blame no one but myself, truly. I'm sure that if certain tragic events hadn't happened perhaps things might have changed for me. But I don't think I'll ever know for sure. I've lived such a disturbing, chaotic, fascinating life, and honestly wouldn't trade my experiences for anything. I just wish that I'd done the right thing.

I feel like my mom has given up on me. I feel terrible talking about my mom. My chest truly gets heavy and I feel so sad when I think of her. The one time in her life when she's finally happy, I have to be a miserable bitch. I miss my mom. I miss her so much. I think that I miss her simply talking to me. I feel almost as though she abandoned me. I feel like she doesn't trust me, and feels like she can't talk to me about things anymore. I want her to. I miss feeling that special bond with her. I truly hate to say it, but I am afraid that bond is fading away. She has too much to think about. I don't want her dealing with my problems. I just wish she'd call more often. That's it.

And my dad... wow. He's been so supportive of me. Both he and Melissa have, which is surprising. I do love my dad, truly. I'm so proud of him, regardless of what anyone says. He's doing so much better and is helping me with transportation, money, food. He loves my friends and boyfriend, which is wonderful. That's one of the good things in my life right now. My dad. Which to be completely honest is the first time I think I'm able to say that in.... fuck I can't even remember the last time I even remotely thought such things about him. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him.

*sigh* And... of course I'm going to have to bring up the boyfriend. George. He is the epitome of Mr. Wonderful. He treats me like a princess. He is funny, kind, fascinating, smart, sexy. Everything I could ever dream of in a man. I wish I could show my love and appreciation toward him in a better, more expressive way. I don't have much to give as of now. And I don't want him to think that I'm taking advantage of him, because I'm not. I enjoy his company more than anything in the world as of late. However, I know you feel the infamous 'but' coming on... But... I am so afraid of getting my heart broken. Seriously afraid. I don't want to. I just know that everytime something wonderful comes my way... it all goes to shit. Something bad always happens to me. Life easily deceives me, and I have a tendency to prepare myself for the worst, instead of thinking the best of things. This is a flaw of mine. I just want everything to work out between us. I am so emotionally flawed, and I am so afraid of him seeing this. I don't want him to think less of me. Or that I'm just... completely fucked in the head. Because I'm not.

I just want to be happy. That's my main goal: happiness. It's been my main goal, my number one wish, and my dream for so long now. Hopefully it will hurry up and find me soon.

I feel as though my life has become so meaningless. I have become what I told myself I would never be. I had such high hopes for myself. I feel like giving up on life. I sometimes feel as though the only thing I have to live for is hope. Hope that I'll become something more, hope that I'll actually do something with my pathetic life.

I have trouble saying no. I have trouble putting my foot down. I have trouble opening up to people. Especially as of late. I feel like my social abilities are diminishing. I feel much more shy lately. I feel more depressed.

I get pissed off because no matter how well a person thinks that they know me... truth be told they don't. They probably never will. I presume that this is a good thing seeing as how I'm such an unfortunate person to meet.

Honestly, sometimes I cannot imagine being alive in the future. I don't want to keep living this way. I don't want to keep feeling this shitty about myself. I don't want to regret. I have so many regrets already. Sometimes I think that dying would be better than seeing what I'm going to become. I feel like it's too late for me to be something great. I'm almost twenty-years-old. I haven't done shit with my life since high school.

Whatever. Fuck life. I have the flu and am going to sleep.