Cellardoor

Why would my dad even bother to call me? Seriously. He is not a dumb man, when sober, and knows me damn well enough to know that I will never answer his calls, nor will I ever speak with him again. My guess is that he is currently shitfaced, and is extremely lonely.

Good.
I hope he fucking rots.

Wow, I'm such an angry person. Oh well. I have every damn right to be.
I hope one day to achieve true untainted happiness. Happiness that lasts. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm hoping that now that school has started back up, and that I work full time I will think less about my incessant sadness.
Do you know the feeling, where you're sad... but when you think of the reasons why, you feel oh so small? Or you feel selfish? Or dumb for even being sad about something like that? Well, that's how I feel. I feel stupid for being sad. I feel stupid for telling my mom everything. I feel stupid at work. At school. I feel like people can see right through me. I feel as though right when people look at me they think, "oh, that's that girl that was addicted to coke and got an STD." "That's the girl that was molested by her father." "That's the poor girl." "That's the girl that needs to be prescribed amphetamines in order to lose weight."
Everyone sees me, except me. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I cannot cry, laugh genuinely, be HAPPY. I am so miserable, I sometimes think I am just one day going to lose it, go mad.
I haven't cried about what happened with my father. I can't cry when James and I fight anymore. I can't cry when my mother hurts my feelings. I can't cry during movies. I'm so numb. But I'm so emotional at the same time and I want to cry more than anything. But I can't. I'm a fucking vegetable. I fake my laughs. I am a robot. I do as I am told. I goto school, work, piss, fuck, sleep. I do as I am told.

She walked by the ocean,
And waited for a star,
To carry her away.

Feelin' so small,
At the bottom of the world,
Lookin' up to God.

She tries to take deep breaths,
To smell the salty sea,
As it moves over her feet.

The water pulls so strong,
And no-one is around,
And the moon is looking down.

Sayin',Rosie - come with me,
Close your eyes - and dream.

The big ships are rollin',
And lightin' up the night,
And she calls out,
but they just pass her by.

The waves are crashin',
But not making a sound,
Just mouthing along.

Sayin', Rosie - come with me,
Close your eyes and dream,
Close your eyes and dream,
Close your eyes and dream.

My body is sick and my dad hasn't paid health insurance in God only knows how long.

My boyfriend is anxious because we haven't had sex in God knows how long.

My mother hates me at the moment.

My sister dislikes me at the moment.



See, I have been bleeding incessantly for a month and a half now. I had a birth control implant injected in my arm in October of 07, and am not supposed to have a cycle for three years. Well, lo and behold, guess what I've had for over a month now? A fucking period. Yes. A period.

Now, since I have had serious feminine medical issues in the past (which have gotten better over time) I tend to question whether or not I will ever be able to have children. I am so maternal that if this were to be true, I would: a) not feel like a woman. b) feel like a failure to James. c) hate myself. d) wonder what I did in my past Karmatic Cycle to deserve this punishment.

I would partially blame it on my mother. Yes, my mother. I feel like everytime I tell her, "mom there's something wrong with me; mom I've been bleeding for almost 2 months straight; mom I really need to see a doctor," She always says, "I can't afford it; I'm sick of hearing about female problems, Nikki had the same thing, deal with it; I'm sorry sweety."

FUCKING GOD. Why can't she just listen to me, and take me to a Goddamned doctor? My dad is supposed to pay for all medical bills for his children anyways, so why is my mom concerning herself over the money issue of it?

My mom has also been treating me like shit lately. Why? Because like she said today, "I'd trade places with you anyday." Fine mom, you can be molested by your father, and deal with the pain. You can feel like the most unwanted soul on the planet. You can have the blood coming out of my vagina. You can have a boyfriend that treats you like shit the majority of the time. You can also work full-time and goto school part-time, every single day. Go ahead.

What the fuck are my mom's issues? Oh, boohoo my dad hasn't paid child support in three months. (Good thing you fucking have CDs with a shitload of divorce settlement money on them that open in 10 days) Cry, cry, you are taking care of two small children, without a father? (It was your fucking choice to have them with a horrible man. You face the consequences.) Wah-wah, you have a puppy that wakes you up in the middle of the night and you claim to only get 5 hours of sleep because of it. (Wow, well you took the puppy as a gift, once again consequences...)

Did I CHOOSE to live with my father? No. I had no other choice.

Did I CHOOSE to witness my father trying to kill himself with cocaine? No. I had no other choice.

Did I CHOOSE to stay awake that night, for pure entertainment? No. I had no other choice.

Did I CHOOSE my father? No. That was my mom's choice.



And you see, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Erika is always right. I always win.

xxx